Update #1

"Updates" will be journals on how I feel - if you don't like hearing about teenage depression/if it makes you angry, turn back now. It's gonna be pretty bad/sappy.

Lately, my boyfriend David has been coming over to see how I've been doing, since I've been sick two days out of the week already: Monday and today. He is... too perfect. I'm not worried about him cheating, or being a complete bastard, he's nice and he knows what he's doing in everything he does, he's a virgin, he doesn't care what I look like, or if I'm sick, he offers me rides in the morning, he's good to both my parents, he's favored by my sisters to my previous boyfriend by a lot, he would do anything for me. You know that song "Grenade" by whoever? Yeah. Yeah, he would do anything for me.

And what do I do for him?

I get in trouble with the police. I don't realize quickly enough that I'm hurting his feelings by talking/being too friendly with my other guy friends, so that he has to step in and intervene, tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't go to school because I get sick because I don't take care of myself. I complain about how I look. I dress like crap because it's comfortable. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin and tell him every day that I'm gross and don't like myself.

And every day, whenever I tell him those things, he always tells me I'm beautiful, and he always tells me I deserve all that he gives me, all that he does for me.

Damn it all, I wish I could believe him. Sometimes, I just want to force myself into this, into his caring arms. All I can do, though, is just want to return to my lonely hole, with not a single smiling-David-face around. He's like, sunlight, and I'm like a vampire. It just doesn't work.

But I want it to work, so badly. I just... eugh, he's so perfect. He's the betterment I've always wanted, and now that I have it, I realize how comfortable the suffering has gotten. I feel better in his arms, but I feel at home, alone in my bed at night. I guess... I will have to learn to get used to it, slowly, baby steps. Ya'know?

Gods, this is going to be really tough.